I talk about my health a lot, but I'm always scared to talk about the mental side of it, I guess its for fear of hurting others and because more than anything writing it here makes it true- but I'm going to be honest. I've had anxiety and depression for 7 years now and over the last 6-8 months my depression has steadily gotten worse. There's been a lot of factors at play; personal ones I won't and can't go into, leaving uni, the Mirena coil completely hijacking my hormones and being admitted to hospital twice in 6 months but more than anything I just lost sense of who I was somewhere along the way. I have become a shell of who I was, I'm scared of being alone and I cry pretty much every day. There's days where I literally do nothing between my boyfriend going to work at half 9 and him returning 9 hours later, I have no motivation and more than anything I'm crippled by doubt. I never thought I'd be afraid to wash dishes or not but here we are.
But through all this I know 2 important things- 1 this isn't my fault and 2 I can become me again. I'm working on things like coping better alone by filling my time with things I love and rewarding myself when I do housework that really needs doing. I've identified the things that are destructive to myself and others, and I'm really trying to work on them. I've gotten better at stopping before I hurt myself and can shout at the voice in my head on most days. I've lost so much weight that I disgust myself looking in the mirror sometimes, but I'm pushing myself to eat better again and even starting to love cooking again. I purposely didn't talk to people who I know will spot the signs just so I don't have to see the looks of disappointment, so now I try and talk to friends and family a few times a week- if I randomly start talking to you out of the blue you know why. But more than anything I just want to love myself again, and I know this will take time.
Mental illness is something that's so stigmatised and brushed under the carpet that many think they cant get help, but please do if you need to. You can find lots of Mental Health Helplines on the NHS website.
I wanted to finish this post by asking honestly, how are you doing?