Wednesday, 6 April 2016

Things That Are Untrue

TW- Mental health, suicidal thoughts, body image, eating disorders. This is a very personal post.


Unloved. Too clingy. Paranoid. Selfish. Childish. Cold. Too Spotty. Too Old. Barren Womb. Wonky Tits. Too thin. Skeletal. Under nourished. Doesn't deserve to be nourished. Broken Body. Clumsy. Legs don’t work. Stupid. Scarred body. Small tits. Negative. Crazy mind. Untalented. Uncaring. 
Not worthy of life. Ugly. Ridiculous accent. Thin lips. Big nose. Bad teeth. Disgusting hair colour.
Body is trying to kill me.

Tonight I wrote a list of all the negative things I think about myself, the things that the disgusting voice in my head tries to convince me are true. Sitting and reading these things, I can't believe that I let them overcome me. I let myself say these things about me. I would never let someone else say them to me. I would never say them about a friend or tell a friend these things. We really are our own worst enemies. 

It's hard when you have a major life change, especially a break up, to not see yourself in the worst possible light. And its a struggle every day to not think these about myself. I need to keep fighting though. I can't give in. I know deep down that I love my body, even when it hates me. That I have a wonderful creative mind that won't be worn down. And that I am a good person. I am. 

I don't know why I wrote this, but its not for attention and for others to flock to me with love. I just wanted to remind myself that I am worthy of love and life and I deserve to live.


Image is a quote from 4.48 Psychosis by Sarah Kane

5 comments :

  1. Ah why do we all listen to our inner cow bag eh? Mine is mean too sometimes, I have to remember to shut her out and remind myself that she isn't right (oh and almost everyone has wonky boobs I promise! ;-) )

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  2. You are so worthy of love & life! Proud of you for writing this, I know it will help others. I'm always here for you if you ever need me. Xx

    Tania | When Tania Talks

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  3. There's a line in a Gerard Manley Hopkins open that says it all really: "My own heart let me have more have pity on; let
    Me live to my sad self hereafter kind". Like you say, it'sour own hearts we need to be kind to. I discovered Hopkins as I was recovering from depression a long time ago now ... and I still think about it tiday. It's the least I can do to pass this poem on to someone else who can use it. x

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  4. You are so worthy of life.

    Sometimes it is good to get all the thoughts out else they fester inside and get worse. I am trying to get into the habit of only saying things to myself that I would say to my friends

    xx

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  5. Identifying the problem is a lot of the battle. When we can identify the bad script we're on the road of writing a healthy one. I remember when I was there, and while it was very hard I made the most progress alone. Discovering that I could love myself and be comfortable in my own skin. My entire life changed for the better. I was about your age as well :)

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